Demanding Characters…

Children are demanding little things.  From the time they are newborns and into the toddler years they can be physically exhausting!  Even into the pre-school years, the demand is strenuous, but starts to ease up a bit as you finally reach the school years and you think you get a breather.  Your children are growing and becoming more and more independent thus allowing you more free time.  They are changing from being physically demanding creatures to autonomous independent thinkers.  A little bit of lull in the storm so to speak.  Things are going along quite smoothly.  You must have done something right.  They must have acquired your genes!  Well, not so fast…  As our children enter their early adolescent years we notice changes beginning to take place.  They are acquiring new skills in their cognitive thinking; allowing them to evaluate their beliefs and values independent of their parents or friends. 

Research shows that parents are less involved with their children as they mature and become more independent.  In early adolescence children begin to place more emphasis on their relationships with friends autonomous of their family as they try to figure out their own identity.  “The major transition that takes place beginning with early adolescence and becoming more fully developed during middle adolescence, is the movement away from the family as the center of the teen's life towards the peer group as the new focus of the teen's affections and interests” (Frazier, 2011).

An article from the Journal of Family Relations emphasises the importance parental interaction can have on our youth in those early adolescent years that will benefit them even into early adulthood.  “Authoritative parental behaviour, characterized by parental warmth, clear boundaries, expressions of support, and appropriate exertion of control, is considered optimal” (Hillaker, Brophy-Herb, Villarruel & Haas, 2008).   From this article they suggest three areas of focus:

1.      Positive Family Communication

            2.      Supportive Relationships
            3.      Maintaining Standards

Positive Family Communication:  There is a difference between talking to your children and talking at your children.  The key is listening.  As parents, and we tend to multi-task so many things.  This is one time where we need to make a huge effort and focus entirely on our child.  I have really tried to put this into practice at my house.  When my daughter comes home from school, I make a point to stop what I am doing, face her and truly listen to what she has to say.  Girls are good at talking and communicating, but sometimes we really need to focus on what they are saying and let them vent.  They don’t always need us to solve their problems.  Now boys on the other hand have a totally different way of communicating.  Often when my son comes home from school he goes directly to the basement to spend quality time with his video games.  I have realized that he needs this time to decompress from the day before he can do anything else.  I need to let him come to me in his own timing to talk, which is usually at night when I am tired and ready to end the day, but I have learned when my kids are ready to talk I need to be ready to listen.  If I sent my son out the bedroom door telling him I am tired and I don’t want to listen to him, or am hollering at him to get to bed himself, I have missed a great opportunity to connect with my child.

Supportive Family Relationships:  “Quality parent-child relationships, marked by supportiveness, contribute to social competencies among youth and adolescents, including indicators of social competence, such as peer social skills and empathy” (Hillaker, Brophy-Herb, Villarruel & Haas, 2008).  Thus said, be involved in your child’s life.  Now, I’m not suggesting you be a parent like in the reality show “Dance Mom’s” where your child’s life is your own, but what I am suggesting is that you show an interest.  When I was in high school I participated in a music group where we would travel around to various churches and community events to perform.  There was a young man in our group whose parents, or at least mom, was at every performance we ever gave.  I remember him being embarrassed about his mom’s presence, but I remember thinking it was really cool.  I use that example to explain why it is important to support your children in whatever they choose to do, be it school plays, music or dance recitals, sporting events, etc., and when possible make it a family affair involving siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles.  Let you child know you love and support them no matter what.  Your kids may act embarrassed and don’t want to talk to you, but I guarantee they know you are there, and so do their friends and team mates.

Maintaining Standards:  “Maintaining standards, often characterized by elements of parental expectations of youth, exertion of some control, establishment of boundaries, and monitoring of youth activities is a characteristic of parenting that, particularly in combination with acceptance, responsiveness, and support, has been associated with many positive outcomes in youth” (Hillaker, Brophy-Herb, Villarruel & Haas, 2008).  Do your children know what you expect of them?  Do they know and understand the values in your home?  The quote above talks about parental control and I do not want to suggest you be a controlling parent.  What it suggests is that you support your child’s independence rather than controlling it, giving them ownership of your family values and expected family behaviors.  An example of this would be, monitoring your child’s whereabouts:  where they are going, what they will be doing, who they will be with, and what time they will be home, is seen as a positive form of parental control. 

The bottom line is we know as our kids get older we are going to spend less time with them.  So making an emphasis of quality time and incorporating the above suggestions can help us be proactive as they enter those adolescent years.

~Tami

References:

Fraizer, B. (2011). Early adolescence: The point of no return. Retrieved from http://www.thesuccessfulparent.com

Hillaker, B. D., Brophy-Herb, H. E., Villarruel, F. A., & Haas, B. E. (2008). The contribution of parenting to social competencies and positive values in middle school youth: Positive family communication, maintaining standards, and supportive family relationships. Family Relations, (57), 591-601.