Accepting the Unexpected Disclosure of a Gay Teen

                                Parenting at times is challenging, each child is unique in temperament, goals and abilities.  There is never a dull day when it comes to parenting.  Parents are surprised daily with bugs, snakes, and piercings, but what takes place when a child reveals a desire for a same sex relationship?

                                A rising number of teens are revealing their sexual orientation to their parents earlier than in previous generations.   Declaring one’s sexuality during adolescents has resulted, for some, in negative consequences from their family.  Gay and lesbian teens have experienced family violence, rejection and risk of being banished from their homes.  Parents difficulties in accepting a path from their child that is different from what was expected, can strain the parent-child relationship, resulting in an increase of suicide, depression and isolation for the youth (Saltzburg 2004).

                                Parents describe thoughts and feelings in regards to the revelation that their adolescent is a homosexual, these emotions include a sense of loss, guilt, shame, disappointment, and self reappraisal.  Parents can come to accept their child’s choice and deal with the situation with the help of support groups and educational programs as they make the adjustment.  According to an article, Learning That an Adolescent Child Is Gay or Lesbian: The Parent Experience, advises that “Maintaining active parenting, open communication, and regulatory structures are considered critical to healthy adolescent functioning” (Saltzburg et al 2004).                  

                                Learning to accept your teen’s decision will involve many different emotions and adjustments in the words of one father, “You prepare for them being teenagers and all that’s supposed to happen.  You plan for when they’ll start dating and all that, and yeah, it’s exciting to see them grow up.  I guess it has something to do with yourself and reliving stuff.  Everything has different meaning now.  It’s like nothing will ever be the same.  We’ll look at birthdays, graduations, dreams for a wedding all different now. And it feels like you’re missing something really big.” (Saltzbury 2004)

                                Taking a positive approach to the child’s choice and meeting with others parents, as well as getting to know people from the gay community can relive some uncertain prejudices. One must always remember to put the child first and show unconditional love.

                                Acceptance is essential when parenting any child, but especially with those who are of the homosexual orientation.  Because being gay or lesbian is already “unacceptable” in our society, it is important to give your child the support they need, in order to create an environment of love where a child feels acceptance and approval.   

                ~ Peggy

                                Saltzburg, Susan:  Social work, Volume 49, Number 1, pp. 109- 118, January 2004

Bullying

           Bullying is when someone’s behavior is to make someone else feel inadequate, or to focus on belittling someone else. Bullying includes harassment, physical harm, repeatedly demeaning speech, and efforts to ostracize another person. According to statistics from Family First Aid, about 30% of teenagers in the United States have been involved in bullying. Also, younger teens are more likely to be involved in bullying than older teenagers.

Types of Bullying

There are different types of bullying which include physical bullying, verbal bullying, emotional bullying, and cyber bullying. Physical bullying is when the bully attempts to physically dominate another person. This can include kicking, punching, or other harmful activities to instill fear in the victim. Cyber bullying is a problem among some teenagers. This type of bullying is often what boys tend to favor. Verbal bullying is when someone uses demeaning language to tear down someone else. Bullies using this technique excessively tease others, say belittling things and use sarcasm to humiliate their victim in front of peers. Emotional bullying is more subtle than other types of bullying. This type of bullying is to make someone feel isolated or alone. Teenage girls often favor emotional or verbal bullying. Cyber bullying is becoming a big issue for teenagers. Cyber bullies use instant messaging, cell phone text messages, and online social networks to humiliate and embarrass others.

Effects of Bullying

There are many problems that are caused by bullying which can be seen in the victim’s future. Physical bullying can cause physical problems or injuries.  All bullying can deeply affect the victims by causing depression, drug use, and stunted social development. In some cases teens may also think about retaliation and want to attack those who bullied them.

Reducing Bullying

In order to reduce bullying, teens should be encouraged to seek friends, in person and online, who are supportive and caring. It is also important to be in a group because bullies often single out the people who are alone. It is important to have teachers or other adults to talk to bullies about appropriate behavior. The best thing that can be done for bullying victims is to make sure they are being encouraged and to help them get through their difficult time.

Prevention

            Some suggestions to address the prevention of bullying is by providing consequences for bullies to let them know that the behavior is not tolerated, giving bullies outlets and behavioral suggestions so they can channel their behavior in different ways, and by helping potential victims avoid becoming the victims of bullying behavior. Other ways to help with preventing bullying is by supervision and appropriate intervention when bullying is in progress, to teach appropriate assertiveness to those who are or may be targets of bullying.  If your child is a victim of bullying, make sure that a report is made and that the report is dealt with in a timely manner.

-Tiffany

Reference:

http://www.bullyingstatistics.org

Addiction to Technology

"Whether it was comics, telephones, movies, radio, television, video games, or the internet, it has always been assumed the media have captivated the younger generation with a level of passive engagement that is close to addiction" (Feinstein, 2009). 

 

Reader Question: There is research that suggests that teens can become addicted to video games and the internet, causing them to neglect their health, school work, and social life. How can parents tell when their teens interest has become an addiction, and what can parents do to help teens keep keep a balanced approach?

Impact of technology on teenagers lives:

• Video games require reflexive reactions - not reflective responses. Games stimulate the amygdala and neutralize the frontal lobes. Teens who engage in excessive violent video play have under active frontal lobes during and long after the game has been unplugged.
• Watching violent movies and playing violent video games may impact copycat violence in individuals. This means they could potentially repeat what interactions they are viewing on their screens.
• Students who play video games instead of reading or interacting with their environment show halting in brain development. Playing video games shows activity in the brain areas of vision and movement, whereas doing arithmetic, even simple arithmetic stimulated brain activity in both the the left and right hemispheres of the frontal lobe - the areas most associated with learning, memory, and emotion.

Signs of addiction:

• Clues that adolescents are in technology trouble can be found when they break family rules limiting the amount of technology use or sneak around to use it.
• Choosing video games and instant messaging over getting together with friends in real life, doing homework, sleeping, or become furious when asked to stop.

What can parents do:

• Identify which activities are problems and which are not. Eliminating all technology is not the solution. 
• Set reasonable limits on computer and television time and ask for your teen's input about these limits.
• Eliminate the violent video games, particularly for the young adolescent.

 Interesting facts:

• Ninety percent of teens play video games regularly.
• Only five hours per week of playing violent video games will show brain activity with aggressive thoughts. 

Reference:
Feinstein, S. (2009). Inside the Teenage Brain: Parenting a Work in Progress. Lanham, Maryland, United States: Rowman & Littlefield Education.

In response to a reader question
~Kim

Teaching your Teen about Managing their Money

I recently attended a lecture for the University of Utah's Personal Finance week presented by Rachel Cruze about Personal Finances and thought her ideas were great and wanted to share them with you.  Teaching our children the importance of handling their money is a concept that many of us do not have formal training in.

As parents, we should take the first step and make sure our kids have a savings account at a local bank or credit union.  Then when they start their first job, make sure you take them to sign up for a checking account which would give them access to a debit card (drawn directly from their checking), and then work with them to manage their finances correctly with the following ideas:



~Tami

Blog Review - Ziggy's Blog

        One of the blogs that we recommend on our site is Ziggy’s Blog. It is a good blog that is available which contains good information to parents that are raising teenagers. The author of the blog is a single mom who has dealt with a variety of issues while raising her two daughters through their teenage years. She is also going to school to be a special education teacher. The overall layout of Ziggy’s Blog is well organized and I had a good first impression when I went to the blog. The information and blog postings are easy to find and the site as a whole is very easy to navigate. The purpose of her blog is to help parents of adolescents by talking about problems that are out there. She also does some book reviews and blogs about her life with her girls. The majority of the blogs on this site are serious and they deal with various issues that are available to teenagers, but she does add in humorous stories at times as well. The author also has blog posts from her personal situations that she has had to sort out herself.

This blog is recommended to all parents, not just parents dealing with a troubled teenager. There are many issues out there that parents are not aware of that their child has to face. It has not been that long since I was a teenager and I was unaware of some problems that teenagers are dealing with.  

I am always skeptical when I start reading blogs because I never know if they are going to come from a personal point of view or if the blog will contain correct information from research. When reading the blog postings from Ziggy’s blog I was pleased to see that majority of her posts were cited and that the information came from a good source.

I feel as though the information in Ziggy’s Blog is applicable. This blog is great for anyone who is dealing with a teenager or for someone who would just like more information about the issues that teenagers are facing today.

Overall the writing of the blog is great. Ziggy’s Blog is well written and the information is outlined well. When reading the blogs, it does not take long for the reader to enjoy them and to feel a connection to the author, especially when reading the “about me” section the author has provided.

-Tiffany

Ziggy's Blog - http://ziggysblogs.blogspot.com/

Communicating with a Crazy Teen

There is so much talk in our society about how rebellious, crazy, un-controlling, careless, and selfish teenagers are. This perception gives parents the thought that they need to be stricter once their children become teenagers. Of course, not all teenagers are this way. You have to remember to not jump down their throats because they are experimenting and yes parents are the ones they need input from to lead them in the right direction, but it is not good to approach it in a negative way. 

Punishment - When and how should you punish your teenager for doing wrong?

Pick your battles! When you are having a disagreement with your teenager say this to yourself and think if what you are fighting about is worth it or not. Interactions between parents and teenagers are few, and you do not want them to remember every confrontation with you as a horrible experience. Parents should want their teenagers to feel confident in themselves, explore their options, but at the same time they need parents’ support and advice. It’s not really necessary to ground them for a month over a dirty room. Don’t punish your teenager about a low grade without talking to them first. Find out what the problem is and try to explore ways you can help to improve their grades.

Temptations - How do you keep your teenager safe without being a helicopter parent?

What is a helicopter parent you ask? It is parents who pay extremely too close attention to their child’s experiences, to the point where the child does not become independent. Teenagers are going through a lot during these years; issues concerning drinking, drugs, depression, weight issues and so much more. This is an important time where teenagers expand and try to become independent and if you are too loose and don’t care, your teenager will more than likely become rebellious. On the other hand, if you are too strict and are on their back all of the time they will feel helpless like they have no sense of self. Holding them back from certain experiences will only harm them. It is important to know where they are, who they are with, and what time to expect them home. On the blog Parenting Today’s Teens with Mark Gregston, he states the fact that the average starting age for drugs is around 7^th or 8^th grade. This may startle some parents, but you cannot jump right in at this age and lecture about it. Teenagers comprehend information more when you attach it with something meaningful to them. If you encourage your teenager to think for themselves they will be more confident and solve problems better.

Relax, be a parent and listen, don’t lecture!

 

Reference: Blog- Gregston,Mark; Parenting Today's Teens; http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/  

 

Blog Recommendation: Parenting Today’s Teens with Mark Gregston (www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/) this site gives a list of over 65 specific topics on teenage issues and issues including their parents. This blog I fully trusted because Mark Gregston has three books he has written, these include: Ten Ways to Turn Around Your Teen, Secrets to Effective Parenting, and Developing Rules and Boundaries for Your Teen.  The information on this blog was endless. As I started searching for blogs on the topic of parenting teens I made a list of topics I found in blogs; when I came across this blog it included every one that I had already written down and more. I really liked the layout of his blog because readers can find the topic they are interested in instead of having to read everything in order to find what they wanted. I will use this in my group’s blog and try to make ours more user friendly.  One of the things I read in his blog I felt was very important for parents to keep in mind “you only get a few opportunities to truly engage with your teen and every parent needs to pick battles carefully” you do not want your teen to remember every interaction with you as a parent to be a bad one.

~Kim

25 Simple Ways to Stay Close to Your Teen

1.      Eat meals with them.

2.      Ask them about their day.

3.      Be there after school.

4.      Attend Parent Teacher Conferences

5.      Have Family game night.

6.      Be available for help with homework.

7.      Attend their sporting events.

8.      Take them to school.

9.      Be approachable.

10.  Serve the community as a family.

11.  Plant a garden together.

12.  Follow their interests.

13.  Volunteer at their school.

14.  Be their Facebook friend.

15.  Provide rides for their friends.

16.  Make their favorite meal.

17.  Do yard work together.

18.  Make holidays special.

19.  Send them a text message.

20.  Spa day.

21.  Show pride in their accomplishments.

22.  Play a video game with them.

23.  Maintain Family Traditions.

24.  Spend 15 minutes nightly reading a popular book.

25.  Hug them and say I love you!

~ Peggy and her teens brainstorming for reader question response.

Book Review: Staying Connected to Your Teenager: how to keep them talking to you & how to hear what they’re really talking about

Author:  Michael Riera, PH.D.

Nothing in a parent’s life is more trying, confusing, and frustrating than raising a teenager.  They are moody, self-centered, and full of mixed messages; at least that’s the way normal, healthy teenagers behave.  That will not change.  As the parent of a teenager, you know all too well that your job entails setting limits, having big talks, enforcing consequences, helping them to learn from their mistakes, and putting them on course for a happy and successful adulthood.  Talk about an exhausting task (p. 1).

I love this introduction!  It says it all!  We as parents have a daunting task ahead of us to help guide these young people through some pretty rough years.  What I really enjoyed about this book is that it is all about connecting to your child.  Riera suggests that the number one complaint of parents of teenagers is the lack of communication.  He offers great insight in to ways we, as parents, can connect and actually learn to enjoy being around our teens.  And believe it or not, your teens may actually, deep inside, want that connection with you.  This book is not about getting your child to bend to your wishes, but to be open-minded in understanding what your child needs from you.  They are trying to be autonomous from you, to think for themselves, but they need reassurance that they are capable of managing their lives and that their parents are there when they need support.  Riera suggests that parents look at their roles as changing from manager to consultant; both very critical roles, but very different.

Sample of topics covered:

           

            *the best time to talk to your teen is on their schedule:  late at night

            *teen sleep patterns

            *adolescent narcissism

*giving up on lectures and advice

*self-esteem through integrity

Conclusion:  I really enjoyed this book.  It flowed very easily, as if you were having an actual conversation with the author.  He uses many examples from issues actual parents have dealt with and written about.  I found myself reliving the teen years of my own children and the issues we dealt with and are continuing to deal with. 

I would highly recommend this book.  It was insightful, well written and easy to associate with.  It was full of suggestions which could easily be incorporated into your interactions with your teens without them thinking something was up.

~Tami

Sex Education - Reader Question Response

                According to the Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Survey, nearly half of adolescents have had vaginal intercourse, and 38.5% of those sexually active do not use condoms and only 16% use a birth control pill.  The survey also shows that students are likely to have had sex before age 13, have four or more sexual partners, and to have never been taught about sexually transmitted diseases in school. Mental health professionals are also seeing an increase in the number of preteens having sex too soon. They also reported that some of the preteens who are considering themselves virgins have had oral sex 50 or 60 times. Adolescents are also turning to electronics by sending sexual messages and pictures via text or email to express their sexuality.

A question from a reader asked about sex education in the school system. She asked what the research said about educating teens about sex education and if the schools should teach sex education or abstinence only programs. Sex education has been an ongoing debate for many years. Abstinence only programs are a federally funded program which began in 1981 when the federal government funded the programs despite overwhelming research proving they are ineffective. Funding for these unproven programs grew exponentially from 1996 until 2009 when Congress allocated over one and a half billion dollars into abstinence only programs.  Despite all of the money that has went to promote abstinence-until-marriage programs, research shows that these programs do not reduce the incidence of unprotected vaginal sex, number of partners, or sexual initiation.

There are three types of programs that are taught in various schools in the country. The first is a curriculum-based sexuality program. This program was developed to reduce adolescent sexual activity, pregnancy, and STDs. These programs also offer positive information about condoms and other contraceptives. The second program is abstinence only, which focuses on the importance of abstinence from sexual intercourse, typically until marriage. The abstinence only programs either do not discuss contraception or they emphasize the limitations of condoms and contraceptives in protecting against pregnancy and STDs. Research shows that abstinence only education may delay intercourse for a short time, however, when the youth does participate in sexual behaviors. The third program is a comprehensive program which encourages both abstinence and the use of condoms and/or contraceptives. Comprehensive programs have a very clear message that not having sex is the safest choice. They put emphasis on skill-building and role-playing, they teach how to use condoms, and they encourage people not to have sex. These programs have been shown to delay the age at which teens first have sex, reduce the number of sexual partners they have, and increase their use of condoms. The comprehensive programs have no evidence of resulting in an increase in sexual activity.

It is important that school and parents work together to teach adolescents about sex. Although it is difficult for a parent to think about their own children wanting to have sex, it is important that parents talk to their children about sex. Because talking to teens about sex can be embarrassing for the parent and/or the teen, it is good to practice in front of a mirror or with your partner to get comfortable talking about it. Parents’ goal when talking to their children about sex should be to give information to them and not to extract information from them. Even if kids act like they don’t care or act like they are not listening, they probably are, so continue to talk to kids about it.

-Tiffany

References:

Jayson, S. (2011). “Talk sex, even if your kids tune you out.” USA Today.
Lickona, T. (2000). “Bringing parents into the picture.” Education Leadership.
Malone, P. (2010). “Comprehensive sex education vs. abstinence only until marriage programs.”
Realini, J. (2010). “Evaluations of Big Decisions.” Journal of Sex & Martial Therapy.

Homework and More Homework

Homework begins to increase with adolescents, this in part is due to the additional classes being taught in middle school, where much more is expected than in the primary grades.  At my home our evenings became chaotic with the amount of time spent doing homework, I felt as if homework was the only activity my children and I participated in as a family.  The completion of homework each night was a struggle, this was not how I envisioned parenthood!  Making positive changes to our routine were necessary to insure a warmer and accepting home environment, I began seeking ways to resolve our dilemma.

  In an article by Canter and Canter entitled Involving Parents in the Homework Process, they confess that “parents complain that homework is often the greatest cause of conflict between them and their children.”  This statement is so true, I have been involved in a few conflicts with my teens regarding homework, and unfortunately many other families have had the same experience.   It appears that after a day at school, teens would like to spend some time doing other activities, as well parents would like more time to interact with their teens in an activity of their choosing.

 Being a single parent or part of a two parent working household presents challenges for spending quality time with your adolescent.  This can be compounded during the school year when students are expected to complete homework assignments.  Many Parents are returning home from work during the dinner hour and rush to put together a nutritious meal, eat as a family, drive kids to lessons and hope for quality time to spend with their children in a relaxing way.    Much of this limited time together is spent on homework assignments, the quest of any good parent would be for our children to have the best education available to them, with that being said, time spent on homework must be upbeat, motivating and inviting.

 Canter and Canter believe that homework can be instrumental in boosting a child’s self esteem, explaining that “when parent and child work together, the child knows that he is important enough for the parent to stop what s/he’s doing, pay attention, and get involved.”  We can all agree with the authors that parental involvement will increase positive feelings a child may have about him or herself.  We can encourage our teens to place high value on homework by following a few homework tips from the article:

1)   Set up a quiet study area accommodating to that child’s learning style, with proper lighting and school supplies.

2)   Create a homework survival kit with pencils, pens, ruler, markers, colored pencils, poster board, glue, scissors and a pencil sharpener.

3)   Schedule daily homework time as soon as possible after school and when a parent can be available to assist with assignments.

4)   Encourage children to work independently using resources available to them first and then if needed ask a parent for help.

5)    Motivate children with praise, inspire them to have a sense of pride in personal achievements.

This article also offers other valuable information to incorporate in to study time.  The strain of homework can also be diminished by starting early on assignments and breaking them down into smaller steps, this can reduce the stress some students may feel when deadlines near.  Parents can ensure good results when a teen is involved in a pre determined plan of action for times when homework is forgotten at school or not completed in a timely manner.  Incentives and praise are a very important part of keeping a teen engaged in their school work and completing assignments on time, continued acknowledgement of their accomplishments are sure to encourage continued good homework habits.

Here's hoping that time spent on homework at your house is a positive experience for both parent and teen!

-Peggy

 References:

Canter, Lee and Canter, Marlene. (2001) Parents On Your Side: A Teacher’s Guide to Creating Positive Relationships with Parents. Chapter 7, Involving Parent in the Homework Process. (pg 87-112)  Bloomington, Indiana:  Solution Tree

Transitions For Teenagers

There are many transitions going on in teenagers lives. Transitions into Middle and High School are two of the most important and probably the ones parents need help with the most. I will go through both of these transitions in the child's perspective and also provide tips for parents to help their teenagers move through these transitions.

Middle School: One of the first transitions your teenager will go through is entering into Middle or Jr. High School. This can be very scary for teenagers. In many ways middle school is more demanding and expects more from students. The friends they made in elementary school may not be going to the same middle school, which makes it even harder for them to adjust to this transition. Teenagers want to fit in, but sometimes it is hard to make that first step.

Tips for Parents: Some things parents can do to make it a little easier is to talk to them about the process of entering into middle school. Let them know what is going to change and what is expected of them. Try not to make it look like it is a huge change in their lives because this could cause them to have a harder time adjusting. If you let them smoothly go through this transition they will be better off. Stay involved and ask them how their day was and what they learned. Take advantage of the visits that are offered before the school years starts. Let them get familiar with the school so they feel less nervous the first day of school.

High School: Transitioning to High School can be a little easier because they have experienced it before. Although they have experienced transition from one school to the next, High School can be frightening in many ways. Again, the friends they may have made in Jr. High may not be going to the same high school and they have to make new friends. Some can take this very hard because they do not feel comfortable with out someone they confided in so much in Jr. High.

Tips for Parents: It is important to let your teenager explore and hang out with friends. Keeping a close watch is good so you make sure they are not getting into trouble. Be careful not to be helicopter parents (parents who are over protective and do not allow their child to be independent). Believe it or not teenagers need you to care for them. When you don't ask questions they become too resilient and out of control, but when you care and ask questions they actually like knowing you care for them.

Good to know: Teenagers are going through a lot during these transitions and it can be hard to sort out everything that is going on inside of their heads. Just be a parent and listen to what they have to say and provide feedback to make them feel more comfortable. Its good to know my parent is being a parent!
 

Reference: Feinstein, S. (2009). Inside the Teenage Brain: Parenting a Work in Progress. Lanham, Maryland, United States: Rowman & Littlefield Education.

~Kim

Families that Play Together

When our family was young my husband and I decided to establish Saturday as a play day for our family.  Friday’s were “early out” days at our elementary school, so Friday’s after school our kids came home and we got our chores done.  This left Saturday’s free to spend time together as a family doing something fun together.  We held a family council monthly where each child, we had three, was able to decide on an activity they wanted to participate in, and mom and dad got the final Saturday or Saturday’s if there happened to be five in a given month.  We found activities that need not cost money, but provided opportunities for our family to grow closer together and create happy memories.

These weekly outings developed a tradition in our family.  Now as our children are older and busy with their own lives, they still want to know what we are doing on Saturday. 

           
           “Successful families do things together:  family projects, work, vacations, recreation, and reunions.”  “Build traditions of family vacations and trips and outings.  These memories will never be forgotten by your children.”  “There is a great need for family recreation and cultural activities together.  We should do things together as a family.  If families could only seek their recreation and cultural activities more as a family unit, I am sure that untold benefits and blessings would accrue” (Benson, 1988).

The following are some ideas for family outings from the book A Season to Strengthen the Family:

SPORT ACTIVITIES: 

Hold a family sports activity such as a softball game, basketball game, volleyball game, touch football game, or a game of kickball, or soccer.  Go swimming.  Play Frisbee or Frisbee golf (miniature golf with a Frisbee).  Go miniature golfing, play beach volleyball, or broom hockey.  Go hiking or on a family bike trip.  Watch a team sporting event.  Hold a crazy Olympics or goofy track meet.  Play ping pong round robin style, or a game of badminton.  Have a tennis tournament.  Go bowling.

PARK ACTIVITIES:

Take picnics to the park, the mountains, or the beach.  Go to a park, or explore different parks in your city.  Fly kites.  Go for a nature walk, to an amusement park, to a water park.  Visit scenic gardens, a wildlife preserve, an aquarium, or sea park.  Take a trip to the zoo, or to a national park or monument.  Have a family camp-out, or go fishing.

BACKYARD AND HOME ACTIVITIES:

Play croquet or backyard games like Mother-May-I and Red-Light, Green-Light.  Plan and hold a family treasure hunt.  Sleep out in your back yard under the stars.  Have a family barbeque or backyard campout.  Have a crazy mixed-up dinner or play board games on a rainy day.  Practice and put on a family play, or make a family movie.  Participate in a family arts and crafts activity.  Have a family bake-off or make a family quilt.  Have specific activities for individual holidays.

SIDE TRIPS AND OUTINGS:

Go to a movie.  Visit a museum, a historical site, a factory or shop where they make something special.  Visit a farm, a planetarium, or a hands-on science museum.  Go sight seeing, have lunch or dinner out, go for ice cream or milk shakes.  Visit a local college and look at any exhibits they might have.  Go to the library.  Visit the airport, a train station, a fire station, a police station, a television or radio station, a post office, or a newspaper printing press.  Tour places of business that interest your kids.

COMMUNITY AND CULTURAL ACTIVITIES:

Attend a concert, dance performance, or play in your community.  Participate in an “arts in the park” activity.  Participate in city and state celebrations or historical commemorations.  Go to parades and fireworks events as a family.  Go to your state or county fait.  Take a summer class to learn a new talent or skill.  Volunteer at a soup kitchen or find ways to serve the homeless or other needy in your community.

The key is to start these activities when your children are young, but it’s not too late for early adolescents or teens, as activities like these provide a break from the daily routine of life, provide wholesome recreation, and build family unity and memories.

~Tami

References:

Benson, E. T. (1988). The teachings of ezra taft benson. (p. 490, 511, 531). Salt Lake City, Utah: Bookcraft.

Smith, J. N. (2001). A season to strengthen the family. (pp. 9-10). Orem, Utah:

Eating Disorders

Eating Disorders

In America, 2 out of every 100 students struggle with an eating disorder. Many individuals who develop an eating disorder are between the ages of 13 and 17 years old. During these years, adolescents experience many emotional and physical changes, greater academic pressure, and a greater amount of peer pressure. When you combine the changes that go on during puberty with the pressure of being like celebrity role models, it is not hard to see why so many adolescents are developing negative views about themselves and developing eating disorders.

Eating disorders are usually developed when one has intense concerns with eating, weight, and/or body image. Eating disorders are more than just dieting to lose weight, the eating behavior is extreme. The two most common eating disorders are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Anorexia is when an individual restricts their food intake by dieting, fasting, or through excessive exercise. Bulimia is when an individual eats a lot of food and then tries to compensate by forcing themselves to vomit or excessive exercise. Eating disorders are an important health concern because they give such a negative impact on the physical and psychosocial health of those affected.

Warning Signs to Look For

An individual with anorexia may be obsessed with weight control, weigh them self repeatedly, only eat certain foods, exercise excessively, become very thin, or may withdraw from social activities involving food. The lack of nutrition may affect the body in many ways. Some of these are hair loss, disruption of menstrual cycle, inability to concentrate, and brittle bones.

An individual with bulimia may fear weight gain, regularly use laxatives, feel unhappy with body size or weight, and may go to the restroom immediately following meals. Some problems that can occur from bulimia are constant stomach pains, damage to stomach and kidneys, tooth decay, swollen salivary glands, and disruption of menstrual cycle.

Prevention

Research has indicated that adolescents who perceive family communication, parental caring, and parental expectations as being low are at increased risk for developing eating disorders. Research has also suggested that parental comments about weight and weight-related behaviors may influence their children’s weight-related attitudes and behaviors. It is estimated that 40%-50% of individuals treated for anorexia and 50%-60% of individuals treated for bulimia will make a complete recovery. However, considering the impact it has on the body and the high cost of treatment, it is very important that we try to prevent the eating disorder from taking place at all. 

-Tiffany

Children Who Do Too Little

Children Who Do Too Little By Patricia Sprinkle   

     In the book Children Who Do Too Little, Sprinkle has researched creative ways to assist parents in motivating children to do chores around the house with minimum resistance.  This book refers to chores as “learning skills” and reminds us that in order for a child to become a successful adult, basic skill are best learned in childhood.  The ideas of Dr. Robert Barnes, a family and marriage counselor are shared,  in essence his thoughts are that the delegation of household learning skills lets children know that family life is important, and through these tasks team work is learned.   

          Noteworthy suggestions of this book are to be consistent with expectations, set clear rules and consequences from the start, have a chart as a reminder, teach step by step breaking the chore into smaller pieces, working alongside of your children, and remember to give praise, encouragement and gentle suggestions, it is important not to redo the child’s work, and realize that “no one way is ‘right’ for every family.

          It is common for parents to want to do all the household chores themselves, while allowing children to study, take lessons and play.  The author gives the reminder to “Teach your child a skill today.  A skill is a gift that last forever.”  There are eight areas of learning skills and are worth noting:  personal care, clothing maintenance, Food preparation, lawn maintenance, house maintenance, minor house repairs, budget management and car maintenance. 

     Parents can benefit from the suggestions on how to make the work fun; age appropriate hits consist of games such as “beat the clock”, allowing teens to choose the music while the jobs get done and swapping assignments.

      This book is an easy read, well organized and packed full of practical information on how to teach children responsibility, to one’s self and one’s family that in turn will benefit society as a whole when the child grows up to be a productive responsible  adult.

~Peggy

  

What Teens Think About Pornography

I came across this video on Youtube and thought it was something interesting to add to our blog:

~Tami

"At Fight the New Drug we often talk about what science is saying about pornography, what experts are saying about pornography and even what some ex-addicts are saying but what about you guys? What are your peers saying about it? We wanted to know so we asked a few teens to get real with us and tell us what they really think."

Demanding Characters…

Children are demanding little things.  From the time they are newborns and into the toddler years they can be physically exhausting!  Even into the pre-school years, the demand is strenuous, but starts to ease up a bit as you finally reach the school years and you think you get a breather.  Your children are growing and becoming more and more independent thus allowing you more free time.  They are changing from being physically demanding creatures to autonomous independent thinkers.  A little bit of lull in the storm so to speak.  Things are going along quite smoothly.  You must have done something right.  They must have acquired your genes!  Well, not so fast…  As our children enter their early adolescent years we notice changes beginning to take place.  They are acquiring new skills in their cognitive thinking; allowing them to evaluate their beliefs and values independent of their parents or friends. 

Research shows that parents are less involved with their children as they mature and become more independent.  In early adolescence children begin to place more emphasis on their relationships with friends autonomous of their family as they try to figure out their own identity.  “The major transition that takes place beginning with early adolescence and becoming more fully developed during middle adolescence, is the movement away from the family as the center of the teen's life towards the peer group as the new focus of the teen's affections and interests” (Frazier, 2011).

An article from the Journal of Family Relations emphasises the importance parental interaction can have on our youth in those early adolescent years that will benefit them even into early adulthood.  “Authoritative parental behaviour, characterized by parental warmth, clear boundaries, expressions of support, and appropriate exertion of control, is considered optimal” (Hillaker, Brophy-Herb, Villarruel & Haas, 2008).   From this article they suggest three areas of focus:

1.      Positive Family Communication

            2.      Supportive Relationships
            3.      Maintaining Standards

Positive Family Communication:  There is a difference between talking to your children and talking at your children.  The key is listening.  As parents, and we tend to multi-task so many things.  This is one time where we need to make a huge effort and focus entirely on our child.  I have really tried to put this into practice at my house.  When my daughter comes home from school, I make a point to stop what I am doing, face her and truly listen to what she has to say.  Girls are good at talking and communicating, but sometimes we really need to focus on what they are saying and let them vent.  They don’t always need us to solve their problems.  Now boys on the other hand have a totally different way of communicating.  Often when my son comes home from school he goes directly to the basement to spend quality time with his video games.  I have realized that he needs this time to decompress from the day before he can do anything else.  I need to let him come to me in his own timing to talk, which is usually at night when I am tired and ready to end the day, but I have learned when my kids are ready to talk I need to be ready to listen.  If I sent my son out the bedroom door telling him I am tired and I don’t want to listen to him, or am hollering at him to get to bed himself, I have missed a great opportunity to connect with my child.

Supportive Family Relationships:  “Quality parent-child relationships, marked by supportiveness, contribute to social competencies among youth and adolescents, including indicators of social competence, such as peer social skills and empathy” (Hillaker, Brophy-Herb, Villarruel & Haas, 2008).  Thus said, be involved in your child’s life.  Now, I’m not suggesting you be a parent like in the reality show “Dance Mom’s” where your child’s life is your own, but what I am suggesting is that you show an interest.  When I was in high school I participated in a music group where we would travel around to various churches and community events to perform.  There was a young man in our group whose parents, or at least mom, was at every performance we ever gave.  I remember him being embarrassed about his mom’s presence, but I remember thinking it was really cool.  I use that example to explain why it is important to support your children in whatever they choose to do, be it school plays, music or dance recitals, sporting events, etc., and when possible make it a family affair involving siblings, grandparents, aunts and uncles.  Let you child know you love and support them no matter what.  Your kids may act embarrassed and don’t want to talk to you, but I guarantee they know you are there, and so do their friends and team mates.

Maintaining Standards:  “Maintaining standards, often characterized by elements of parental expectations of youth, exertion of some control, establishment of boundaries, and monitoring of youth activities is a characteristic of parenting that, particularly in combination with acceptance, responsiveness, and support, has been associated with many positive outcomes in youth” (Hillaker, Brophy-Herb, Villarruel & Haas, 2008).  Do your children know what you expect of them?  Do they know and understand the values in your home?  The quote above talks about parental control and I do not want to suggest you be a controlling parent.  What it suggests is that you support your child’s independence rather than controlling it, giving them ownership of your family values and expected family behaviors.  An example of this would be, monitoring your child’s whereabouts:  where they are going, what they will be doing, who they will be with, and what time they will be home, is seen as a positive form of parental control. 

The bottom line is we know as our kids get older we are going to spend less time with them.  So making an emphasis of quality time and incorporating the above suggestions can help us be proactive as they enter those adolescent years.

~Tami

References:

Fraizer, B. (2011). Early adolescence: The point of no return. Retrieved from http://www.thesuccessfulparent.com

Hillaker, B. D., Brophy-Herb, H. E., Villarruel, F. A., & Haas, B. E. (2008). The contribution of parenting to social competencies and positive values in middle school youth: Positive family communication, maintaining standards, and supportive family relationships. Family Relations, (57), 591-601.

The Teenage Brain

For my first post I wanted to give everyone a background of how the teenage brain works. First, the teenage brain does not function the same way in which the adult brain does. Teenagers tend to use a part of the brain that creates them to think in emotional ways. Adults use a part of their brain that is used for well thought ought decisions. Therefore, teenagers do not really think about things when in conflict with others. They tend to just say what they are feeling emotionally and do not really think out what to say.

Another thing to remember is that the teenage years are important for development, especially in the brain. If you know what is the reasons behind why teenagers act the way they do you will be better prepared for handling these situations when they come about. Here are two tips you can take away from this.

1) The more time spent on reading, writing, math, music, and sports the better the brain will be built

• Every new experience creates a new connection within the brain. These connections are created by dendrites. The more routinely you do things the better the connection will be, the less you use these connections the the weaker they will be. Also, if dendrites are not used they can disappear within a matter of time.

2) Although the teenage years can be difficult and stressful, it is also an important time for learning. Find something they are particularly interested in and help them to expand on it.

• The teenage years represent a window of opportunity. This is a chance for them to learn something quicker and with more ease.

Reference: Feinstein, S. (2009). Inside the Teenage Brain: Parenting a Work in Progress. Lanham, Maryland, United States: Rowman & Littlefield Education.

~Kim