Help Teens Develop a Positive Identity

Reader Question:  "What do you suggest parents do to help their teens develop a sense of identity? I know this is an important part of their development and there are probably some things parents should NOT do as well. Can you tell me what the research says?"

One of my favorite books to reference, for so many parenting subjects, is John Gottman's book "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child."  In it he states:

     "The teen years are a period marked by great concern with questions of identity:  Who am I?   What am I becoming?  Who should I be?  Don't be surprised, therefore, if your child seems to become totally self-absorbed at some point in adolescence.  His interest in family matters will wane as his relationships with friends take center stage.  After all, it is through his friendships that he will discover who he is outside the familiar confines of home.  And yet, even within his peer relationships, a teenager's focus is usually on himself (Gottman, 1997)."

How many of us parents get totally frustrated with our self-absorbed child?  I love that this reminds us that this is part of their development and finding of self and that we as parents need to realize this and help to guide them through the process.  "Teens are on a journey of self-discovery and they are constantly steering, first in one direction and then another, trying to find a way that's true.  They experiment with new identities, new realities, new aspects of self.  Such exploration among teenagers is healthy (Gottman, 1997)."

Parents roles need to change from being a "manager" to their teenage child to the act of being a consultant.  The following are John Gottman's suggested ways we can do this:

1.  Accept that adolescence is a time for children to separate from their
     parents.

Because the teen years are a time of individuation, know that your teen may choose styles of dress, haircuts, music, art, and language that you don't care for.  Remember that you don't need to approve of your child's choices, you only need to accept them.

2.  Show respect for your teenager.

I would encourage you to avoid teasing, criticism, and humiliation.  Communicate your values to your child, but do it in a way that's brief and nonjudgmental.  Nobody likes to be preached to, least of all teenagers.

3.  Provide your child with a community
    
Because we cannot be all things to our children - and especially not during adolescence - I advise parents to give their children the support of a caring community.  It may be through a synagogue, a church, a school, or a neighborhood group.  It may simply be through your extended family or an informal network of friends.  The point is, be sure your kids have access to other adults who share your ethics and ideals.

4.  Encourage independent decision making while continuing to be
     your child's Emotion Coach.

Express confidence in your child's judgment and resist speculating about possibly disastrous outcomes as a warning.  Allowing your teen to make unwise (but not unsafe) decisions from time to time.  Teens can learn as much from mistakes as they can from their successes.  Stay aware of what's going on in your child's life.  Accept and validate your child's emotional experiences  When there is a problem, lend an ear and listen empathetically, without judgement.  And be an ally when he comes to you for help with a problem.

~Tami

References:

Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. (pp. 208-213). New York, NY: Simon & Schuster